I see him and I don’t know what to feel. What was once the most important thing in my life takes up who knows how much space in my mind and heart now.
But he’s still there.
Thoughts of him linger and I’m constantly wondering and hoping that he’s doing well – that he’s doing better than before. It’s only been so long, and I can only vouch for myself that it’s still tough. I want to hang out with him without making him pity or enpathize me or think I’m just curious about his whereabouts – which I only am in the sense of his health and well-being. We’ve both been in dark places and I really wished we’d gotten through this together.
Yet here we are now: two people who genuinely grew together for a year only to fall apart later to once again lead independent lives from one another. I wouldn’t say we are strangers, but it sucks to think that it’s going in that direction…
And why do I get the feeling that he’s holding something back from me? I want to be there for him, but if he really wants to block me out or just not contact me, I wish he’d let me know. Maybe he’s already seeing someone, maybe not. I’m doing better in the not-overthinking department, but I’d still like clarity so that my heart can prepare itself.
Am I still in love with him? I don’t know. I still lovingly care about him, but each day leads me farther away from him. The familiar embrace made my heart tingle and dazed me for a second, but once we said our farewell, I knew it would be awhile until we saw each other again. He has important things to focus on and I guess I’ll root for him in this distant background since that’s just how it has to be now. Saturday’s used to be study days while he practiced and Sunday’s were our days together. But I’ve accepted the fact that that just won’t happen anymore… That that’s not what he wanted and not with me.
I think the hardest part about this was losing my best friend. I’ve never had anyone I can really tell everything to and I didn’t fully comprehend what his friendship meant to me until I had that figure disappear and have my thoughts start bunching up inside me. I miss that I could just tell him anything. I miss our friendship.
To Jeffrey: I wish you health and happyness. You are one of the most intellectual and outgoing persons I’ve ever encountered, and I can only thank you now for allowing me to be a significant part of your life for over a year. You meant a lot to me as a person and still do. I know you’re figuring yourself out at the moment as am I, but please don’t hesitate to contact me. I know there’s gonna be days when you think the world is against you, but remember that things will get better. There’s nowhere to go but up from the bottom. And that whatever state you’re in is just temporary as we are all constantly changing and growing.
Thanks for taking care of me and being such a positive aspect of my life. I’m slowly climbing my way out of this pit and I couldn’t have done it without you, with or without our relationship ending.
I wish you the best of luck in everything that you do. Your mind, body, heart and overall spirit is going to take you to wonderful parts in your life. You’re always going to have a special place in my heart and I thank you for everything you’ve done and for all that you’ve taught me. I sincerely believe we were put in each other’s lives for a reason and if this is what’s supposed to happen, then I’m embracing our encounter and making the most of what’s left.
Take care and be well. And happy birthday too. 💙