Monthly Archives: June 2015

Lag.

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I’m in pain.

i haven’t been consistent with my medication and it’s caught up with me. My hands are shaking and throbbing as I type this with one thumb while laying on my side. I spent the past 12 hours staring at screens with a productivity level of about 20/100. And the twelve hours before that was spent sleeping – oversleeping due to fatigue.

Sometimes I wanna drop off the face of the earth, but it’s true- this is temporary. I need to start finding some motivation and get myself out of this rut.

Wirk is is still a drag and I can’t seem to pursue anything else at the moment. I just need some fresh air. Hopefully mext weekend will be sufficient. I miss my parents and I wish I could see em more often than not.

i still want them to bf proof of me but it’s so hard when this depression is taking away anything h wanna do.

Just keep swimming.

Ill edit dot later when I can function again…

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Six months later.

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Six months later I’m still thinking of you.
Do I want to?
That’s not something my brain nor heart wants to wrap itself around.
You’ve clearly moved on – or so it seems.
Why don’t you want to speak to me?
Am I that bad of a person to not deserve one more try at this friendship?

I’m still coming to terms.
Terms with why you never told me how your heart and mind were falling apart.
Terms with why all the plans we made were never to be executed.
Terms with why you broke everything we had built together…

You executed this.

Your hand reached for my hand and we swung our arms in sync as we walked away from football practice.
I thought – this could be it.

But it wasn’t.

It was a year of fun and a year of good company.
But nothing was enough.
Enough to see you happy.
Enough to see me happy again.
Enough to help each other come out of this hole we were stuck in.
Enough to hold us together…

Six months later and I don’t want you the way I used to want you.
I want you as a friend.
I miss your laughs, your knowledge, your positive energy.

I hope you found your sparkle again.
I dulled you even though you thought it was the other way around.
I didn’t know you were unhappy.
I would never want you to be unhappy – especially because of me.

Six months later…
I think and am constantly thinking that I’m doing better.
Better to live my days without melancholy.
Better to strive to be the best of me without my number one supporter.
Better without the man who used to have nothing but my whole heart.

Six months later…
and I just hope you’re happy again.